|Genre||Baby Moses-tossing Side Scroller|
|MtAMinutes to Action||1|
|Score||5 Gameplay: 6
Fun Factor: 5
|Buy from Amazon|
Bible Adventures is an old, unlicensed NES game made by Wisdom Tree. Since it was unlicensed and not approved by Nintendo, they were able to do cool things like have a baby blue colored cartridge and even featured their own Wisdom Tree Seal of Quality on the box. The game is a popular target for "Worst Game of all Time," mostly thanks to Seanbaby, but honestly this game was not that bad. Definitely not even in the bottom 10%. Compare it to other officially licensed crap like Deadly Towers or Bebe's Kids and you actually have a decent game going. Anyways, Bible Adventures features three Bible stories: Baby Moses, David and Goliath, and Noah's Ark told through platformers. They all pretty much play the same, but the Baby Moses game is actually pretty bad.
Since today is the last day of March, the month is supposed to be end like a lamb, which basically means it will be a calm Spring day. Instead, we have a heavy snow warning and are expecting 6-8 inches of slushy snow. Ugh. I reviewed The Lion King at the beginning of the month when March was supposed to come in like a lion (it was a nice day) and Bible Adventures is one of the only games that features sheep in even a small role. The other game I considered was Sheep for the PC but decided to do the more well known Bible Adventures. Well, let's get to the review.
(minutes are in bold)
00 - I select Noah's Ark and the first hour of Bible Adventures begins. A Bible verse appears, with lots of ellipses skipping the unimportant parts. God flooded the world and told Noah to collect two of every creature.
01 - Well, the game has started! I'm playing as a bearded Noah, and I guess I have to collect animals. There's something in front of me... a cat? I'm not really sure.
02 - Nice! I have just hoisted the animal above my head! I don't know what to do with it though. I'm just running along, so far I've also seen a horse and a pig.
03 - Ah, it was a cow! I have collected the female cow and put it in the cave underneath the blinking arrow. A checklist appears detailing all the animals I need. Cows, horses, monkeys, snakes, pigs, and oxen. What the... a monkey just tossed some poop at me or something.
04 - I've stuffed that fecal monkey into the Ark now, so it's all good. Next the female ox.
05 - I pick up something that looks like a tablet and a Proverbs verse has appeared on screen.
06 - Noah is trying to pick up a pig but it's too slippery or something.
07 - I think I dropped a bale of hay on its head to knock it out. The female pig has been delivered.
09 - I was chasing after the other pig, but the horse ran by so I grabbed that! Wow, Noah must be buff to be lifting equine above his head. Plus he has a six foot vertical while carrying animals too. I have all the female animals except the snake. Oh, the male pig! Got it!
10 - For whatever reason, the male cow was chilling out on top of the Ark. How did it get up there?
11 - The male horse has a pink tail, not very manly. Just need the male monkey and ox, and both snakes. There are snakes climbing around the trees but I don't know how to get them. Woah, I can climb trees too!
12 - Haha, I grab the male monkey and he's holding a banana above his head, hilarious!
14 - I have reached the far right wall of the level. Still don't know where the male ox is or how to get the snakes. Birds keep pecking me when I'm climbing the trees. Shouldn't we be bringing the birds too?
16 - Oh, the male ox was just hanging out on the far left, but he head-butted me as I approached! Now for the last two snakes... I just went inside a cave. Not much in here though. I do pick up a tablet, and instead of getting a Bible verse I get a game hint. Pressing up will let me climb. Duh.
17 - Interesting, there's some different snakes over here. I deliver one to the Ark and all I have left is the male snake.
20 - Well, I have successfully delivered all the animals, now Noah is double checking his checklist as I watch all the animals run by. One by one.
21 - Just received a warning, "Get ready to climb those trees." Nah, think I'll try one of the other games. Time for Baby Moses! A long Bible verse appears, Pharaoh has ordered all little baby boys to be killed, but a Levite woman saved her boy by floating him down a river.
22 - The game starts off with me as the woman and a baby right in front of me. Must be Moses! I pick him up.
23 - Wow, this game has mini trampolines that launch me way up high. Good stuff.
24 - I got hit by a spider and the woman chucked Baby Moses into the river! Wasn't that the whole point though?
25 - I'm climbing around some pyramids, but this game is hard! There's soldiers all over hitting me with the spears and throwing stuff at me, and the big eyed spiders! Plus the game doesn't have any invincibility period after you get hit that I can tell, which makes things harder.
26 - Well, the woman and Moses make it to the end of the level. This new level is very purple.
28 - Wow, owned! The woman falls into the water and we die! Baby Moses is down for the count! I get the option to restart, continue, or choose a different game. I think I'll stick with this one for a bit. For kicks I start off the level again by throwing Moses in. Heh. He reappears though.
30 - Some bird just picked me up and lifted me off the ground, but I lost the baby on the way up. Ugh, these jumps are too long to be vaulted very easily.
32 - This freaking bird reminds me of the Sun from Super Mario Bros. 3. Annoying! Lame, I just fell in the water again.
34 - Yay, finally beat the second level. You know what's crazy about this game is that all the enemies interact with the stage just like you do. They jump off the trampolines, fall off ledges into the water, and other crazy, unexpected stuff.
35 - Well, the last level was purple, this one is an ugly yellow gold. The platforming elements have been upped though too. There's this soldier that is horribly placed so that he always knocks you and Baby Moses into the water.
37 - Okay, beat the third level. There are so many enemies on the screen at once, but the game is pretty much just a race to the far right of the level. I think I'm done with Baby Moses.
38 - Time for the game that I came here for: David and Goliath! Another long set of Bible verses, this time talking about David keeping his father's sheep, and when attacked by wild animals, he struck them and rescued the sheep! Sweet!
39 - Oh, right at the bottom it says my objective is to find four sheep and bring them to the corral. Right at the start of the level I have squirrels throwing nuts at me! HAHA! One of the squirrels just knocked out the other one!
40 - David found a sheep, but I'm not sure where to take it yet, guess I'll just keep heading to the right. Woah, a lion just leaped at me!
41 - The lion got knocked out by a squirrel nut so I just picked him up along with my lamb. A big giant, flashing arrow points me to the spot I have to drop the sheep.
43 - These lions are just ignoring me when I'm not hauling around sheep.
45 - A wandering squirrel has just knocked out: my sheep, a lion, and another squirrel. Not only that but my sheep is now in an unreachable position!
46 - Wake up you stupid sheep!
47 - Now there's a goat harassing my sheep. Well, that goat was annoying enough but David rescued his third of fourth sheep.
50 - With all four sheep collected now, I proceed to the next level, which I guess is just David carrying four more sheep to the corral.
51 - Sweet, this level is laid out pretty vertically, but it allowed me to quickly collect and deliver three sheep.
52 - Ugh, my fourth and final sheep is on a small platform with three other head-butting goats. Nothing for me to do but die.
55 - I beat the second sheep level now with David. Now bring on Goliath! Woah, instead of Goliath the game throws scorpions at me! Nasty!
56 - Haha, just delivered all four sheep at once, it was tough though because I was getting mauled by lions and stung by scorpions. The first enemy I see in the next level looks like an anteater.
59 - I have all four sheep but I can't make the last jump up to the corral! Ugh, I just lost two of my sheep and they flung off to who knows where.
60 - All right, I'm sick of this. I wanted to fight Goliath! But that's all the time there is for Bible Adventures for the NES.
Now for some scores out of 10.
Minutes to Action: 1
The Baby Moses game was pretty awful, but the Noah's Ark and David and Goliath games were definitely tolerable. If anything, Bible Adventures is an absolutely great example of a game where all the characters on the screen are interacting with each other. The squirrels are tossing around nuts that knock out anything that touches them, including other enemies. This is something you don't even see very often these days. It was pretty hilarious watching the characters interact with each other. The game also had no problem placing lots of characters on the screen at once (well, if you don't consider the NES sprite flicker a problem), which made it a tough go sometimes.
Fun Factor: 5
I can't really complain about the fun I had while playing Bible Adventures. It's a simple platformer wrapped in a light religious package. The three games were similar and basic, but they did their job and though it was frustrating at times, I was still smiling. The Baby Moses game was frantic, while the other two were more balanced, though they all became tedious.
Graphics and Sound: 5
Bible Adventures does not look that bad, but the sound is definitely below average. Graphics wise, the characters are drawn pretty good, but sometimes I had no idea what animal I was dealing with. The animations are good and some of them are actually pretty funny. There are quite a few unique backgrounds but they later just start palette-swapping them with really crazy colors. The music was nothing special and the sound effects could have used a lot of work. Animals should make animal sounds!
The three stories in Bible Adventures are introduced quickly to the player by a screen long summary and then are quickly forgotten about. I have no problem with this as most people playing Bible Adventures are familiar enough with the Old Testament stories of Noah, Moses, and David. There are a few Bible verses scattered throughout the first hour but they don't seem too applicable to the game at hand.
I'm giving Bible Adventure's first hour a very average 5. Compared to other NES games at the time, it wasn't that horrible. A lot of people seem to compare it to Super Mario Bros. 2 (U.S.) but besides picking stuff up above your head and running around with it, I don't really see the connections. Either way, Bible Adventures is one of those unique games in video game history and worth checking out if only just to say, "I played Bible Adventures."