Frankencontroller: The Perfect Pad
I considered trading down my DS Lite for a DS Phat because I preferred the clicky buttons of the latter. I refuse to play fighting games with a 360 pad (and only tolerate doing so with a PlayStation controller). I spent hours fiddling with bluetooth options and buggy amateur programs just so I could play Super Meat Boy on my MacBook with a Wii remote.
Controllers matter to me. A lot.
Though some are preferable to others, no controller is quite perfect. But that's only because nobody asked ME how to design the perfect controller! Instead of waiting around to be contacted by some very smart hardware developer, I figured I might as well lay out a near-perfect pad by stealing the best bits and buttons from controllers past.
I give you the elements of The Frankencontroller.
Gamecube frame
No two-handed electronic device is as
comfortable as a Wavebird. Those big, toy-like handles may look
absolutely bonkers, but wrapping your fingers around those silver grips
is like getting to second base with Aphrodite.
N64 face buttons
How did the six face button concept not
take off? Six is more than four! Well, we're certainly paying for it now
that Street Fighter is the new Madden. Six attack commands with only
four face buttons? You might as well be playing with a rotary dial.
360 shoulder triggers
Close call here between PS3 and 360, but
the 360's analog trigger is in JUST the right spot, more on the rear of
the controller than the top.
SNES D-pad
The twenty year old SNES pad set several standards
that controllers would follow even today, but the one thing that didn't
get stolen is the one that should have: that big, gorgeous directional
pad.
Gamecube control stick
Control sticks aren't as differentiated
as D-pads, so it's the little differences that really matter. The
Gamecube's concentric circles fingerprint and octagonal railing just edge it over the 360 pad's depressed fingerprint and
circular rail.
PS3 start/select
You don't press them very often, but the
rubbery, cloud-soft feel of the PS3's Start and Select buttons make
every pause a pleasure to remember.
360 Home button
There's something warm and fuzzy about that
glowing green circle under your thumb when you power on your 360 in a
dark living room. As it blinks, it seems to say, "Hey pal, it's 3am and
the world is asleep, but I'll be here for you. Always."
360's headset jack
Why don't more controllers have their own
power outlets for peripherals? The 360's controller-wired headset is an
excellent, cheap way to trash talk without being tethered to the system
itself. Now they just need to make a toaster oven attachment and I'm
set.
PS Vita's rear touch pad
Obviously I don't have any
hands-on experience with the Vita's unorthodox touch pad on the back of
the device, but I've always wondered how a player could get all of his
fingers in on the action with a regular controller. So yeah, throw that
thing on there, Dream Controller Engineers.
Atari dial
Dials are cool. What? They are! Okay jerk, go play Pong
with a dial, then try playing with a control stick. Did you do that yet?
Yes? Okay good, I'm glad you agree that sticking a big dial right at
the center of a modern controller is a great idea.
And there you have them: all the features that need to go into the next great controller. To help the engineers out, I've used some advanced Photoshop techniques to create a concept render.
Gaze upon perfection.
Did I miss anything? Should we strap a keyboard and mouse on there somewhere? Is there a gamepad that really hits the spot for you? Let's talk controllers.